Narcissism isn’t a very welcome trait, but I need to utilise it right now to make sense of things. I’ve felt for a long time now that I’m doing a shit job in a lot of areas.
Housework is a major one, and it really is the bane of my life. If I could get a fairy to do it all for me – doesn’t even have to be a fairy, an ogre in an apron would do – I would get one in a heartbeat. It serves no purpose other than to eat into my very limited “me” time, which I would normally use to finish uni work or try and flex my creative muscles and maybe throw some doodles out.
Motherhood is another …
Being a mum is such an honour for me, and it’s something I’m passionate about and which brings me unrivalled happiness. But with all the stresses of uni and work and all the other crap that flies through the fan of life, I find myself becoming resentful and unloving … and unloveable. I think it’s this area of my life that I occasionally struggle with the most upsetting to think about. The fact that my choices and my struggles with uni and life in general have an impact on my children makes me feel like I’m being terribly selfish. The fact that I get to spend more time with my uni friends than I do with my children makes me feel like I’m the worst mother in the world, and for a large part of the day my youngest is being looked after by a lady who is essentially a surrogate mother. (A wonderful woman, nonethless.)
Uni is great. I love saying that. Going to university has given me back all my vitality and I feel like I actually have a direction now. And saying that makes me feel like an even worse mum. Having something that I enjoy so much whilst I spend so long away from my kids is so so tough, and makes me feel insanely guilty, but when I think of the scope this opportunity is giving me, the keys to all the doors I’m getting out of it, I’m almost certain it’s worth it.
Work is ok, but I feel like it would be better if I could cut my hours. Being given the go-ahead to cut my hours when I applied for uni was a big factor in my decision to accept my place, then to be told that cutting my hours would be bad for the business (because apparently employees mental health is of lesser importance than their ability to remember which books we’re trying to push this week) and that I could either keep the hours I had or quit, well that was a bit of a kick in the head. I do love my job, I love the people and the feeling of being surrounded by books, being able to talk about books to my heart’s content, but when I’m spending a full week at uni and then both days working, sometimes I feel like it’s too much. And then I feel like the only thing I can do is quit. But why should I feel like I have to? Why should I be backed into a corner where my only options are mental instability through exhaustion and overwork, or quitting? Why is that ok? It sucks. It’s a really shitty, sucky situation and it’s made me feel very angry and resentful.
Guess the plus side is that the anger can be channelled into creativity in some way or another.
Need to keep reminding myself not everything is crap. Nothing is crap really, just my outlook on it.
I shouldn’t really be complaining, though. I made these decisions – I own all these consequences and I have to suck it up. I wanted to do a degree to give myself direction and to stop myself from sitting on my ass all day long, neglecting the housework. And I’m so glad I did. I’ve met some amazing, incredible, talented people on my course and I’ve learnt so much from it already.
Some light in my life comes from my uni friends who are constantly telling me I’m amazing for juggling all the stuff I am. It might sound egotistical but I need that. I need those affirmations and that support. It’s pretty much what keeps me going. That, and always having snuggles from my girls waiting for me when I pick them up.
That is what I have to look forward to at the end of each and every day and it is the best feeling in the world.